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Clean Jokes


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105 replies to this topic

#21 Offline Crystals - Posted September 25 2014 - 6:15 AM

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Four students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the calculus exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.

Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. The Students go home and study like mad all night. 

At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.

The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test. When they turn to the second page they there is just one question left.

The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire and how was it fixed?"


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"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#22 Offline Crystals - Posted September 25 2014 - 6:23 AM

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.  :D


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#23 Offline Crystals - Posted September 25 2014 - 6:26 AM

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In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#24 Offline Gregory2455 - Posted September 25 2014 - 11:50 AM

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Yeah... :|



#25 Offline Crystals - Posted September 25 2014 - 6:53 PM

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#26 Offline Crystals - Posted September 25 2014 - 6:56 PM

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A teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#27 Offline Crystals - Posted September 30 2014 - 7:19 PM

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You know you drink too much coffee when...

You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You can't remember your second cup.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
You don't sweat - you percolate.
You grind coffee beans in your mouth.


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#28 Offline Gregory2455 - Posted September 30 2014 - 7:32 PM

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^ A message to Dermy. :lol:



#29 Offline dermy - Posted October 1 2014 - 8:16 AM

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LOL I knew someone was going to say that!

 

[I could imagine myself doing a few of those, or at least "thinking" I could :D ]


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#30 Offline Crystals - Posted October 1 2014 - 6:56 PM

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Mothers Always Know

One day little Sandy's mother was out and her dad was in charge of her and her brother who
is four years older than she is. She was maybe 3 and a half years old and had
Just recovered from an accident in which her arm had been broken.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
Her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
And her brother was playing nearby in the living room when she brought Daddy a
Little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
Lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Mom came home. Her Dad made her wait in
The living room to watch little Sandy bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
Cutest thing!!'


Sandy's Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes Sandy down the hall with a cup of tea
For Daddy and Mom watches him drink it up, then Mom says to him, 'Did it
Ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
The toilet??'

....Mothers know!! 


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#31 Offline Crystals - Posted October 4 2014 - 7:36 AM

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Ducksinarow_zps12e4ad05.png


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#32 Offline dermy - Posted October 4 2014 - 3:43 PM

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That's the story of my life right there! LOL! :D



#33 Offline Alza - Posted October 13 2014 - 9:36 PM

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course it is 



#34 Offline Crystals - Posted October 28 2014 - 9:10 AM

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Air Line Stories from West Jet

 

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta (Canada). West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

------------ --------- --- 

On landing, the  stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If  you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd  like to have.' 

------------ --------- --- 

'There may be 50 ways to  leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'

------------ --------- ----  

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,  a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care  when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.' 

------------ --------- -- 

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with  our compliments. ' 

------------ --------- -- 

'As you exit the  plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.' 

------------ --------- ------ 

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina ,on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and  Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' 

------------ --------- --------- 

Another flight  attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'  

------------ --------- 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would  have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a  little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I  ask you a question?' 
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'  

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'  

------------ ------

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax  , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to  a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'  

------------ --------- -- 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival  announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet  Airways.' 

------------ --------- -- 

Heard on a West Jet Airline  flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' 

------------ --------- -- 

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop  from WinnipegtoMontreal .. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we  should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!' 
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain  came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight  attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should  see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#35 Offline Crystals - Posted October 28 2014 - 7:14 PM

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A guy recently bought a parrot. And it turns out that this parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#36 Offline Crystals - Posted December 8 2014 - 2:54 PM

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You're not a kid anymore when ...

* The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.

* You are proud of your lawnmower.

* 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."

* People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"

* Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.

* Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

* You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#37 Offline AntsAreUs - Posted December 8 2014 - 3:35 PM

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When somebody walks away from you and they are almost gone call them until they come then say how would of been if I didn't call you back. :D works every time.


Currently keeping:

Ants:    Stigmatomma pallipes

            Temnothorax schaumii - Journal

            Temnothorax curvispinosus

            Myrmecina americana - Journal

            Ponera pennsylvanica - Journal

            Formica incerta Journal

            Formica subsericea

            Formica rubicunda

            Aphaenogaster tennesseensis - Journal

            Aphaenogaster rudis Journal

            Myrmica spp. Journal

            Camponotus chromaiodes - Journal

            Camponotus pennsylvanicus

            Camponotus subbarbatus - Journal

            Camponotus sp.

            Strumigenys pergandei - Journal (Discontinued)

            Strumigenys pilinasis - Journal

            Hypoponera opacior

            Tetramorium immigrans - Journal

            Tapinoma sessile - Journal

            Lasius americanus

            Lasius neoniger

            Lasius murphyi

            Solenopsis molesta

            Pheidole pilifera

 

Other:  Millipedes

Isopods

Springtails

Soil Centipedes (Geophilomorpha sp.)

Stone Centipedes (Lithobius sp.)

Mealworms/Superworms

Indian Mealmoth Culture

Dipluras

Some types of mites


#38 Offline Crystals - Posted December 9 2014 - 9:55 AM

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A lady was following a truck, she noticed some grainy stuff "leaking" out of the back. So she followed the truck, and at the next red-light she came up and knocked on the drivers door of the truck.
She told him he was losing some of his load and was spilling out on the ground. He simply replied OK, and when the light turned green he started off again.
She noticed he was still leaving a trail of stuff behind the truck, so at the next red-light, she ran up to the truck driver door and knocked again. When he rolled down his window, she told him he was still losing his load on the road.

He asked if she was from the south. She said "yes, how did he know?"

He replied, "In the north, when it snows, we scatter sand and salt on the roads."


"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astound the rest." -- Samuel Clemens

 

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#39 Offline Crystals - Posted January 20 2015 - 10:42 AM

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Tax Time!
 
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
 
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
 
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
 
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
 
Don't Mess with Old People!!

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#40 Offline William. T - Posted January 20 2015 - 12:48 PM

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A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names.

Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.

 

Why didn't Fu go?


Species I keep:

 

1 Lasius cf. Neoniger 30 workers

1 Camponotus sp. 15 workers

20 Tetramorium SpE 30 workers

1 T. Sessile 200 workers

 





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