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Clean Jokes


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113 replies to this topic

#101 Offline DaveJay - Posted September 10 2018 - 7:16 PM

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A guy walks into a bar wearing a set of jumper leads as a tie.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything!"

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender says "what's up with the steering wheel in your pants? "
The guy says "I dunno, it was there when I woke up and it's been driving me nuts all day! "

A guy runs into a bar in a frantic state.
"Quick, give me a double scotch before the trouble starts!"
He downs it in one swallow.
"Quickly man, two more, hurry up!"
He downs them in two swallows.
"Quick, hit me with another couple before the trouble starts!"
The bartender quickly pours two more and says "what's going on mate, what's this trouble you're talking about? "
The guy gulps them down quick as a flash, steps back and says...
"I haven't got any money!"
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#102 Offline Major - Posted September 11 2018 - 1:38 PM

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A guy walks into a bar wearing a set of jumper leads as a tie.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything!"
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender says "what's up with the steering wheel in your pants? "
The guy says "I dunno, it was there when I woke up and it's been driving me nuts all day! "
A guy runs into a bar in a frantic state.
"Quick, give me a double scotch before the trouble starts!"
He downs it in one swallow.
"Quickly man, two more, hurry up!"
He downs them in two swallows.
"Quick, hit me with another couple before the trouble starts!"
The bartender quickly pours two more and says "what's going on mate, what's this trouble you're talking about? "
The guy gulps them down quick as a flash, steps back and says...
"I haven't got any money!"


Haha! :lol: :rofl: :)

#103 Offline Major - Posted November 11 2018 - 7:10 PM

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
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#104 Offline DaveJay - Posted November 18 2018 - 1:22 AM

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These two nuts were walking down an alley late last night, one was a salted.

#105 Offline DaveJay - Posted November 18 2018 - 1:35 AM

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Did you hear about the gynecologist that got arrested while visiting the town he grew up in?
He was trying to look up a few old girlfriends.

Edited by DaveJay, November 20 2018 - 2:42 AM.


#106 Offline DaveJay - Posted November 24 2018 - 7:19 AM

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A war horse walks into a bar, the bartender says..
"Why the long film?!!!"

#107 Offline drtrmiller - Posted April 15 2019 - 3:13 AM

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Not a joke, but a REALLY funny Amazon review for "Black Cleaner Beetles"
 

https://amzn.to/2Xfn13Q


Edited by drtrmiller, April 15 2019 - 3:14 AM.

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byFormica® is the manufacturer of the iconic nectar feeders and Sunburst Ant Nectar.
byFormica ant products always deliver consistent performance, convenience,
and reliability, making them among the most beloved ant foods and kit enjoyed by
ant keeping enthusiasts worldwide. For more information, visit www.byFormica.com.

#108 Offline TheMicroPlanet - Posted January 6 2020 - 4:05 PM

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What's a ponerine's favorite restaurant?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ponera Bread


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#109 Offline AntsDakota - Posted January 6 2020 - 4:10 PM

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images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZ_TxoKgMiWguGWtlsRH4

 

OR

 

Formica-Top-2.jpg

 

GET IT RIGHT, GOOGLE


Edited by AntsDakota, January 6 2020 - 4:16 PM.

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"God made..... all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. (including ants) And God saw that it was good. Genesis 1:25 NIV version


#110 Offline NickAnter - Posted January 7 2020 - 5:45 PM

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     A young polar bear asks his mom, "Are you a polar bear?"  She responds, "Yes"  He replies, "Does that make me a polar bear"  "Yes" says his mother.  He asks his dad the same thing.  He gets the same answers.  On the fifth day of asking this, he asks, "Does that make me a polar bear",  "Yes" is the reply.  "Than why am I so darn cold!!"


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Hi there! I went on a 6 month or so hiatus, in part due, and in part cause of the death of my colonies. 

However, I went back to the Sierras, and restarted my collection, which is now as follows:

Aphaenogaster uinta, Camponotus vicinus, Camponotus modoc, Formica cf. aserva, Formica cf. micropthalma, Formica cf. manni, Formica subpolita, Formica cf. subaenescens, Lasius americanus, Manica invidia, Pogonomyrmex salinus, Pogonomyrmex sp. 1, Solenopsis validiuscula, & Solenopsis sp. 3 (new Sierra variant). 


#111 Offline mbullock42086 - Posted May 17 2020 - 8:42 AM

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I once told a skeleton a good joke- he found it rather humerus


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#112 Offline TheMicroPlanet - Posted May 17 2020 - 8:53 AM

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Kid: Mom, can I have a colonial empire?

Mom: We have a colonial empire at home.

Colonial empire at home:

courland1885.gif

at3_1658-Tobago.jpg

 

ahhhhhh, history


Edited by TheMicroPlanet, May 17 2020 - 8:53 AM.


#113 Offline NickAnter - Posted February 5 2023 - 11:03 PM

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The Alaska Department of Fish and Game issued a warning to all outdoorsmen due to the rise in bear attacks.

 

It read as follows:

 

All hikers, fishermen, and hunters should take extra caution when outdoors to avoid startling a bear and causing an attack. We first advice that all wear little bells so as to not startle the bear at such a short distance. Everyone should also carry pepper spray to ward off bear attacks. Always be aware of bear activity, such as bear scat. Grizzly bears are very different from black bears, and it is important to know the difference between the scat. Black bear scat usually has a large amount of berries in it, while grizzly bear poo has lots of little bells, and smells like pepper.


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Hi there! I went on a 6 month or so hiatus, in part due, and in part cause of the death of my colonies. 

However, I went back to the Sierras, and restarted my collection, which is now as follows:

Aphaenogaster uinta, Camponotus vicinus, Camponotus modoc, Formica cf. aserva, Formica cf. micropthalma, Formica cf. manni, Formica subpolita, Formica cf. subaenescens, Lasius americanus, Manica invidia, Pogonomyrmex salinus, Pogonomyrmex sp. 1, Solenopsis validiuscula, & Solenopsis sp. 3 (new Sierra variant). 


#114 Offline antsriondel - Posted February 6 2023 - 6:27 AM

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The Alaska Department of Fish and Game issued a warning to all outdoorsmen due to the rise in bear attacks.

 

It read as follows:

 

All hikers, fishermen, and hunters should take extra caution when outdoors to avoid startling a bear and causing an attack. We first advice that all wear little bells so as to not startle the bear at such a short distance. Everyone should also carry pepper spray to ward off bear attacks. Always be aware of bear activity, such as bear scat. Grizzly bears are very different from black bears, and it is important to know the difference between the scat. Black bear scat usually has a large amount of berries in it, while grizzly bear poo has lots of little bells, and smells like pepper.

Wow, did not see that coming! :lol: Great job!






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